Surrendering to the will of the cosmos

 

It's been nearly a year since my awakening. When I began this spiritual journey, I had no idea how much my life would change. While my day to day life (or 3D life as those who do spiritual work would refer to it) looks pretty much the same as it did before I became aware of my gifts, my internal world has shifted profoundly. 

    Through meditation and guidance from my spiritual team, I have healed so many old traumas and wounds that I've carried with me for lifetimes. I have broken ancestral cycles - the biggest one is probably operating from a place of scarcity and lack. Generations of my ancestors were poor. My nuclear family was also not well off growing up, though we never went without basic necessities like food and shelter. It took a while for me to let go of that feeling of fear for myself. It was through repeated sessions of meditation, and getting a job offer that I was able to release the fear and find gratitude for the abundance in my life. 

    The other thing that has occurred in my spiritual journey is the repeated death of bits of my ego. The ego has no place in spiritual work. It requires total surrender to spirit in order to be able to function properly. I knew early on that I had to set my ego aside in order to help the souls I'm meant to help. Letting my ego go for spiritual work has been relatively easy. What I do has nothing to do with me as a person, my abilities, my importance, or any sort of superiority over another. Its whole functionality is to serve as a conduit for the universe. 

    Letting go of my ego when it came to my personal life has been a completely different ballgame. In fact it's not even the same sport. The first bit of my ego to fall was surrounding my occupation. While I had left my previous job somewhat voluntarily (I say that with sarcasm - it was a forced exit with a choice of 'shitty' or 'shittier'), it took a bagillion years for me to land something new, and it wasn't even in the same occupation. The job market is saturated in my area from thousands of out of work feds, and the hiring market is f*cked with AI bots doing all the screening. It took months to even get a single job interview. I thought for sure I would land something within my same occupation, even if it took a few months. I was totally wrong. 

    Whilst I was furiously applying for jobs, I was faced with a deadline of the end of my income. I was completely panicked about how I was going to make ends meet. It took a few months, but once I realized I was going to be fine financially, I settled down. All along my spirit team sent constant reminders of how abundant my life was. It took a while for that to land. My ego wouldn't let it go. I wanted things to happen on *my* timetable. I eventually let that go and put everything in the hands of the universe. Almost as soon as I did, I got a job offer. 

    During this process, I found something I had been looking for my entire life - unconditional love. But not in the way that we would automatically think of as we live life in the 3D. I found unconditional love for myself. At some point, I realized that what I had been looking for had been within me all along. I know it sounds cliche, but it's true. It took a lot of healing for me to reach this point, and I'm so proud of myself for getting here. While unconditional love for myself is incredible, I'm still left with the desire for companionship. We humans are social creatures, after all. We all long to find our person (or persons). I've been struggling with this one, too. Waiting for that special someone to come along in your life can be agonizing sometimes. Or so it seems if you let your ego take charge. 

    

    In meditation today, I asked my higher self and my spirit team for support in letting this bit of my ego go too, and to surrender to divine timing. In this case it was with respect to my Twin Flame (I won't go into it - it's a bit too personal). I needed to let go of any expectations for my own sake. Keeping myself in a loop of 'what if?' 'when?' 'how?' was just making me miserable. My request to my team brought up a wound I wasn't aware of consciously. That was that I didn't believe that good things in love were meant for me, and that I didn't trust the universe to provide it. I was told, "Open your eyes. Look around. You are surrounded by evidence that the universe provides what you need. Do you see it?" "Yes, I see it now," I said. "Then why do you doubt that the universe will provide you the love from another you seek?" 

   

    "I surrender," I said, and began to weep. I said it again and cried harder. I felt a release of a burden I didn't know I was carrying. "I'm grateful for the abundance of love the universe has already given me, both from others and of myself," I said. I suddenly felt lighter. After a few moments, I got out my tarot deck for the message my team wanted to give me. The picture above is what came out. For those not versed in tarot, I'll break it down below. 

The Lovers: self-explanatory for the most part. Some people interpret it as a choice to be made

Justice: balance

The Wheel: good fortune, luck

Knight of wands: departure, exit

Ace of cups: abundance, contentment, nourishment

Queen of swords (from the bottom of the deck, giving context): mourning, separation

I asked for clarification on the knight of wands, and the 7 of pentacles (harvesting your abundance) and Death (end) came out.

How I interpreted it is this: I've been mourning as a result of my own expectations, but abundance in life and love is coming my way, and soon as a result of this ego death.  

I am not going to try to interpret the meaning of 'soon,' in this context. I've learned that the universe/spirit has its own definition of time, and trying to interpret it is fruitless. Instead I have completely surrendered the timing to the universe, and I trust that I will be provided for when it's meant to happen.